big fun

timetable dreams backward hope in underdrive, souvenir, I, study tip top shape to a sage, unfathomable nothingness, think about it, lover walks ahead of you signifying nothing, it's too old, age sits in a rocking chair, in the seams, pickup, if, music doesn't speak, gamblers, taxes free blank pages better than most laws, face paint, pier, follow up question would have to be...

i saw the new day coming

my mom tells me that when i was younger, every morning when i woke up, i would walk into my parents room and proudly present myself, "Okay, I'm awake!" i thought i was God's gift to the world, telling my parents - i've done my part, now you do yours!


its the other way around now. when the buzzards, or the maids, or the heat, or the monkeys outside my window wake me up - it's as if Africa proudly presents itself, "Okay, you're awake!" God's gift to the world, telling me - i've done my part, now you do yours!


So i know why my mom got up with me every morning. when you have something as exciting as a new child at your bedside, or a new world - there's no time for lying under the covers.



(yes, i am aware that John Doyle and Africa is probably the world's most absurd analogy)

ouvre

We went to the beach in town, walking around city, city blocks, congested with small businesses with colorful posters advertising what was happening. Four of us, I could see fear in three sets of eyes- in my own eyes sans mirror/ facing self it might have been easier, dark cloud behind the coast populated street like no other city my young eyes have seen before, pulse of street in 3/4 i'm sitting in 2/2, cause my heart's beating so fast- what is this world, and for that matter, and more absurd, what is my world- a man on the sea, son balancing on his head, daughter clinging on son's back, one or two coins thrown in cup every fifteen minutes or so, doing acrobats actors would pay too much to learn, then talk about their diverse background. t.i.a. there's a light in the corner, her and i by the water, her friend is crazy, waves crashing on a river, off somewhere, group of people with erased visages, frames of her, smiling with jumping eyes- we can talk about it and see it all we want (poverty), but life is an probably always will be outside this picture, I pick up the magazine with the article about this life on these city blocks, but a la fin, il n'est pas pareil. and i could write about, and try to show everybody in my magazine-buying life what it's all about, that raw real, women screaming to nobody legs outstretched to nobody, kids hustling with whiteface (kids with shoes walking by unaffected), surfers in the sea, thousands of miles and trains and elevators with special keys away, this africa, je ne peux pas exprimer, c'est dehors de moi-meme. she bites her thumb, hair flying, new cell phone ringing new tune in morning. every single person i see. spot next great tragedy.

How Flawed I Am

The 40 or Proverbs. The profanity or the Save Darfur Campaign... if only it were that easy. These days I struggle for that balance between having a good time and hypocrisy. The fear of what I have to say falling on deaf ears is paramount. Getting on my knees to pray after having a hangover that morning. Joking about sex with the boys and still putting the highest value on it at the same time. Trying to fit in and trying to be a movement. Boppin my head to the same rap artists I criticize. Wearing Jordans and bragging about the same guy who hasn't done anything notable for the black community besides a few tax write offs on a 1040. Skimming a Maxim or checking out Time Magazine. Reading about saving Africa or reading The Jordan Rules. Making myself watch CNN and checking out the NY Times when all I want to is watch the 11 oclock sportscenter... Perfection I'll never reach but that balance I must. It's tough to find that ultimate comfort with one's skin...

"Come there is a way to be good again"

What does it mean to be a good person? A notion I've been struggling with a lot lately. It seems many think it's just about being nice, getting along with people, caring about your family, and staying out of trouble. I had a conversation during my running of the bulls weekend. I was talking with someone about why Christians believe being just a "good person" isn't good enough. My boy was trying to tell me he doesnt understand why you just can't be this good person. I told him its funny he says that since that seems to be a recurring theme among many people yet this world is definitely not in a surplus of goodness.
I think we must truly distinguish between opening the door for the old lady at the mall and what it means to truly be a good person. Does compassion for humanity come into the mix and at what level? I know what the bible teaches, we all try and fall short of the glory of god and it isn't satisfactory to just be this "good person." Aside from religion however I'm just looking for some intellectual discourse here. I mean everyone and their mother talks about being a good person but what the hell does that mean? It's like the most ambiguous thing i've ever heard.
Look I know everyone can't be going to Africa or to the hood to champion some cause but at the same time I feel like we confuse being good too often with being nice. I don't think it's enough to be a nice person and get along with most people and be liked. I'm tired of people trying to comfort themselves and sleep at night with this notion and I wonder what everyone truly thinks about the definition of goodness. Someone enlighten me... I have my spiritual beliefs but I'm interested to hear what others have to say about truly being good. I mean is our definition of good the exact opposite of what we perceive as evil... I think not. I think the reason our gandhi's and others are so rare is because we sugar coat goodness into some name brand superficial definition.
Someone help me out here....

TKO - inside is where the fight lays

my brother's pseudo-bedroom/the office for my pseudo-politicain father has found itself fighting the tides

Dull yellow walls are the ropes around this boxing ring where youth and convention face off.
ding - round 1

Left jab for Responsibility-
Bright stick-it notes are a constant reminder of the ever-pressing concerns of the constituents of the 4th ward - "Helen K., 14 Gaskin Rd. - sidewalk cracks".

grit your teeth kid.

Right hook for Youth -A paperback copy of "A Moon for the Misbegotten" on the bookshelf. The inside cover reads "Dan - Merry Christmas, will never forget the drunk caroling."

POP POP,
adulthood claps back hard-A copy of "Strunk And White - Elements of Style for the Professional", it lies underneath a sheet of "Friends of the Democratic Party" return address stickers


20's - BBC.com homepage, Robert J. Fox framed haiku "dare to have a vision firm, dare to stand alone", Little League game ball "Italian Center 2, Elks 0 6/18/93",

50's - stapler conveniently sitting on top of a box of "500 Count Extra staples", J.J. Doyle Memorial Golf Outing invitation, reading glasses, empty tumbler glass with toothpick and olive inside

muscles glisten from sweat reflected by the desk lamp

Son - Thesaurus
Pops - Concise English Handbook
2 AM pass outs - "Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker
Evelyn, set the alarm for 7:15 - "Let Peace Fill My Heart" -paxchristusa.org

-The fans around the house are lights out, the silence is deafening

idealism? - polaroid of his apartment in palestine
reality? - plastic tub of city of Poughkeepsie real-estate assessments
The future at night - Dickens "Great Expectations"
The future 9am-5pm - Steinbeck "Of Mice and Men"
OJ out of the carton - Springsteen "Born to Run"
Eddie Bauer Travel coffee mug - Van Morrison "Brown Eyed Girl"

I can barely watch.


Brother - "There's a lot more to life than belts and callars"
Dad - "4.0? Wow, you're really keeping your options open, Friendly's to celebrate?"
Brother - "You gonna use the wood bat or you be a buster and use metal?"
Dad - "I need an itinerary of your travel plans if you think i'm gonna support this."
Brother - "You're not just gonna come right home are you?"
Dad - "Mow the lawn, make sure you bag the front."
Brother - "come down on the train, crash on the couch...waffles in the morning"
Dad - "You really wanna know how work was?"
Brother - "my Urban Planning professor came to happy hour with us!"

Dad - "I don't know how to make it better...how would you? Our proposed budget already demands a 2% tax increase"
Brother - "there's a way we can make this world work and still have our hot showers and cold beers"

Dad - "I have faith, I know I'll see my parents again." shakes his head "there's good in the world John, there's goodness out there, you have to have faith in people. It's worth believing in."
Brother - "and then jimmy carter came and didn't bitch out like hillary did 6 months ago. he condemned the checkpoints."

Dad - "Hold on, let me hear this interview"
Brother - "Did you see that diving play Jeter made?"

Dad - "It seems like a lot, but I enjoy my work John, I don't feel like I'm cutting myself short"
Brother - "You can't feel guily, it ain't a sin to be glad you're alive."

Me - "I'm trying"
Me - "I'm trying"

A war with my flesh

I've been doing some thinking myself... I saw that Cornel West clip and I really have to do some dying myself. Our luxuries, our complacency, our ignorance, our belief that somehow an American baby is more valuable than that one in China, it all has to die.
I don't think your commodities are always the direct cause of the struggle but they can be a blindfold preventing us from seeing things for what they really are. It's a struggle to be balanced. Why do I watch a Hotel Rwanda and then feel sad for a bit and then go to Wendy's drink a lemonade and go on with my life? Why is my flesh so weak and sinful? I don't know. One may say it's in our nature to be selfish and not care about others. I think goodness must be strived for. Anne Frank was wrong. The difficulty of growing up in the US and truly being socially conscious and appreciating the human struggle everywhere is as tough if not tougher than growing up in the South during slavery with parents owning slaves and thinking slavery is wrong or having ur dad being an avid Nazi in the 1940s and supporting Jews, Gypsies and all that suffered. The reason Gandhi, Jesus, MLK are all considered so special is because they are anomalies of sorts. John I honestly don't know if humanity can ever come close to that kind of compassion across the board. Not to say we shouldn't reach for it, but as saddening as it sounds, I guess the torch will have to be carried by a select few once again. I mean Cornel hit the mark when he said the only time in the history of America where all Americans were scared and violated and felt like niggers was 9/11 and our response wasnt whoa lets reevaluate what our presence is in this world, but rather lets go out and kill. Saddham was evil but we love those Saudis degrading women?
I've grown up in the church and have never been religious cause i think there's a difference between religion and spirituality. Religion funded the inquisition, had a role in the holocaust, justified slavery, and has killed more than any force in our history. Religion has destroyed people and their ideas that died with them. Original ideas we will never hear about that will never exist. Me being more spiritual has helped ground and humble me. It has helped my flesh die. I think now is in the time in my life where I must learn, not to say I shouldnt be out there helping people at the same time, but Martin, Malcolm, all of them became schooled before they did the schooling. So I suggest we all pay attention, be critical at all times, be beautiful enemies to each other and never let that central air keep you so cozy that we forget we have greatness inside of us to change this world. Learn now so that when your time comes, you'll be ready. Enjoy life but don't think enjoyment should be based solely around you. I think we all have to pick what we want to contribute to. There are far too many problems to attack them all.
I'm gonna go read my bible and figure out how to be gracious, more humble and master this compassion, a mastery so rare that a select few in history have accomplished it. Shit, gotta turn up the AC.... and so the battle begins.....